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Artem

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I had been sleeping peacefully, soundly, after having the best night of my life. My date with Star had been perfect in every way. Everything was amazing. The food, the time on the beach, the night we spent together.

I had had beautiful dreams of the future. Dreams that included Star walking down an aisle to marry me. Dreams of her womb growing with my pup inside it. Dreams of our happy life together. But then they all came crumbling back down when Star screamed. 

"Eeekk!" The high pitched squeal shattered my dreams and brought me back to consciousness abruptly.

I opened my eyes then and saw Star\'s scared face, her cheeks turning red and fear in her eyes.

"Star? What\'s wrong? Is everything OK?"

"Oh my god." She pressed her face against my chest, hiding herself from me.

"Star? Baby what\'s wrong? What happened?"

"I cnt beereev fhat fis appnnd." I couldn\'t understand that at all with her face pressed against me.

"Star, sweetheart, I don\'t know what you just said."

"I can\'t believe that this happened." She cried then, pulling away from me a little.

"Honey, what\'s wrong?"

"I-I didn\'t want this. Not yet."

"What?" I think my world just ended. Did I misunderstand? Did I get it all wrong? "What do you mean?"

I took her shoulders in my hands then, gently, and pulled her away from me so that I could look into her eyes. I didn\'t miss the flinching in her body, the fear that she couldn\'t hide.

"Star? Do you regret what happened? What we did together?" I could already feel the anger at myself building, the self loathing. I wanted to never hurt her, to never scare her. This did both.

"Yes, and no. I don\'t know." That was almost enough to make me hate myself, to make me wish I could just walk into the ocean and sink until I disappeared from the world.

"Star, I don\'t understand. Can you explain this to me?"

I pulled away from her, pulling the sheet away from her and revealing her chest. That caused Star to scream and pull the fabric back to cover herself. I slipped from the bed and pulled my shorts on, they were close and this would give her some distance that might make her feel better. And I noticed that she hid her face when she saw my body moving in full view.

This couldn\'t have been further from the morning I was looking forward to. When I had fallen asleep, knowing we would wake together, I had planned to take her to breakfast after having a walk on the beach.

What happened? What changed? I know I asked her repeatedly if she was OK with what was happening. So what had happened.

After my shorts were on, though I hadn\'t bothered with my shirt, I knelt next to the bed and looked in her eyes pleadingly.

"Star, sweetheart, what changed? What happened this morning?"

The look she gave me then was filled with pain, unshed tears, and fear. Everything that I vowed to never cause her was now present in her eyes. 

"I-it\'s like I couldn\'t control myself."

"Control yourself how? It\'s not like you lost control." I thought back to the night before and remembered clearly that she was shy but receptive. She didn\'t do anything out of control.

"No, it\'s like, like I was telling myself it was too soon, too early for everything. For the kiss on the beach, for the, for what came after. B-but I just couldn\'t make myself stop."

"Did I hurt you?" I felt myself begin to hate every fiber of my being.

"N-no." She shook her head and I felt just a slight amount of relief. 

"If I didn\'t hurt you, then what is the real issue? I\'m so confused honey."

"I, I was, I wanted to, I didn\'t want-." She seemed unable to finish what she was saying.

"You didn\'t want to do it?" I asked for her feeling my heart shatter. In a way, I felt like I had taken advantage of her. 

"It was too soon, don\'t you think? I-I love you Artem, I really do, b-but it was too soon."

"But, but I, I asked you." I felt the tears stinging in my eyes then. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to do anything to upset you."

"I know Artem. I know." She was crying now, tears streaming down her face unhindered. "I know you love me Artem. And you have been there for me this whole time. But, but I think it all happened too fast, too soon." She looked up at me, her eyes meeting mine fully. "I\'m sorry Artem. I tried to stop myself. I tried to tell myself to say no. But, it was like something inside of me made me do it."

That was when I remember the glazed look in her eyes. She had had that look not just last night but the night of her birthday as well. What was that look? Had that been the source of our heartache here?

"I\'m sorry Star. I\'m so sorry. I shouldn\'t have asked at all. I shouldn\'t have tried to push you so far." I felt my heart completely shatter. It was gone, I had no heart left because I was a heartless beast. "I\'m going to go, so you can get dressed." I grabbed the t-shirt that had been under my button up shirt and left the room. "I\'m going to call Chay to drive you home."

"Artem?" She called out to me.

"I\'m sorry, Star. I\'m so sorry."

I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear and never have to see the look of fear and anguish that was in her eyes ever again. Knowing that the fear was of me made it all that much worse.

I hadn\'t even made it to the bottom of the stairs when I pressed the call button on my phone. Thankfully, Chay picked up very quickly.

"Well, well, well, look who\'s finally calling with an update." Her voice was filled with laughter.

"Chay." I heard the tears in my voice when I spoke.

"Artem? What\'s wrong?"

"Chay, can you come pick Star up? Take her back home? Please."

"Yeah, but what happened?"

"I fucked up. I really fucked up. And I don\'t think there is any coming back from this one." 

"I\'m on my way, I\'m already in the car." Either she was already driving or she had run to leave the moment she heard me speak. "What did you do, Artem? What is wrong?" She sounded like she was both sad for me but also angry at me.

"I fucked it all up Chay. I don\'t know if she will ever trust me again."

"Tell me, explain it all to me."

And so I did, I told her everything. Everything that had happened the night before and this morning. I told her of the magical moments and the heart shattering ones. And I was crying through it all.

"What am I going to do, Chay? I doubt she will ever want to look at me again."

"We will work it out, Artem. We will figure something out. But you shouldn\'t have rushed it. You should have given her more time."

"I know." I sobbed as I stared at the water on the beach. "I know, Chay, I know. But I thought it was what she wanted, the same as I did."

"What I am more curious about is how it seems like she has been entranced. Don\'t you find that odd."

"Yes, I do, but that doesn\'t matter right now. What matters is that my mate, my one true love on this planet is now afraid of me. I will never be able to trust myself with her again. Ever. I ruined it all. My mate hates me."

"She doesn\'t hate you, Artem. And you will get through this. Just hang in there." I heard tires squealing then, over the phone and close to where I was sitting. "I\'m here now, let\'s get this all figured out."

I was still sitting there, wallowing in my self pity and personal loathing, when Chay walked up to me. I stood right before she stopped, but I was back on the sand a second later. 

Chay\'s fist had landed with deadly accuracy on the side of my face. The force of the punch that I was unprepared for, knocked me completely off my feet and had me landing sprawled on the beach.

"You moron." She yelled at me. "You should have kept it in your pants."

"What happened to the nice Chay that was just on the phone."

"I was only nice cause I was too far away to hit you. Seriously Artem, what the fuck were you thinking?"

"I wasn\'t. I wasn\'t thinking at all. And there is no need to hate me because I already hate myself."

"Good, that means you might keep your balls. I was thinking about ripping them off. But if you\'ve already learned your lesson then I just might let you keep them. Maybe."

"I\'m so sorry."

"Tell her that, not me." 

"I did."