I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

The Addict I

Mirrors symbolize self-reflection, objectivity, enlightenment, and awareness. However, bathroom mirrors are an exception. Bathroom mirrors represent baseless self-confidence, a failure in self-objectivity, overestimation of one\'s appearance, ignorance, and blindness.

There was someone around me who could be aptly called the "Bathroom Mirror of the Korean Peninsula."

Sim Ah-ryeon? No, compared to this person, even Sim Ah-ryeon would be considered sane.

The protagonist of this tale is none other than:

“I am the Marquess of Yuldoguk.”

“......”

“Moreover, I am the greatest under heaven, in both the present and all of history.”

He was an elderly Sword Marquess with an unparalleled ability to lower everyone\'s SAN points when introducing himself.

“Sir.”

“......”

“...Marquess, Your Excellency.”

“Hm? Oh, Brother Undertaker, so you were there. I didn’t notice your presence. Truly, your skill in hiding your presence is befitting someone with the greatest internal power in the Three Han States!”

“......”

My head was already starting to hurt, but I couldn’t run away. There was a deeper reason for this.

It was the 671st cycle. The Public Officer specializing in Sword Marquesss, Noh Do-hwa, had been bedridden with the Void Poison infection. The audacity of that bacteria, to infect someone when there was no one else left to which it could spread itself, was commendable. Because of this, I was the only one left to negotiate with the elderly Sword Marquess.

If you’re wondering if there were no talented people in the National Road Management Corps... well, there weren\'t. What do you expect in an apocalypse? After the fall of civilization, the talent pool in Korea was comparable to Shu Han right after the Battle of Yiling.[1]

That\'s the end of the explanation.

“Marquess, Your Excellency. This week, it was your turn to visit Gimhae Plain and tend to the land. Why did you leave without informing anyone? This will ruin the spring harvest.”

“Bah! Being so preoccupied with such mundane matters is why the world is in chaos! I have far more pressing duties!”

If we dropped that "mundane" task, everyone in Busan would starve to death. If Busan fell, the entire infrastructure of the Korean Peninsula would go with it in a domino effect. I engraved the character 忍 for "endure" on my heart and maintained my business smile.

“...I must have misunderstood your grand vision. If you consider it so pressing, it must be a significant matter.”

“Haha, now you’re talking sense. That’s why I like you, Brother Undertaker.”

“If it’s not too presumptuous, may I ask what this pressing duty is?”

“Of course!” With a flourish, the Sword Marquess pulled something from his sleeve (yes, the long sleeves you’d see in historical dramas) and placed it on the table. “Look at this! You have no idea how much I’ve suffered because of this strange and wicked thing!”

I looked.

The item described as "strange and wicked" was indeed peculiar. Its body was elongated, covered with numerous small, round objects that resembled insect eggs. While the body was green, the eggs were yellow.

Here\'s a question: what do you think this is?

“...Marquess, Your Excellency.”

“What is it, Brother Undertaker?”

“This looks like... rice.”

That’s right. The "strange and wicked thing" was none other than rice. The original form of the rice that no Korean could fail to recognize.

The Sword Marquess sighed heavily at my remark. “Haah, what a pity. Even someone like you couldn’t identify it immediately.”

He was spouting nonsense.

“I apologize. My vision is still lacking... What is this thing that looks like rice?”

“It’s opium,” he announced.

“What?”

“It’s opium. Haven’t you heard of it? It’s a wicked substance that causes immense harm if inhaled!”

Of course I knew what opium was. When you cut the poppy fruit, a sap oozes out, which can then be refined into opium. It has pain-relieving properties and was secretly grown by old folks in rural areas. There’s even a legend that ancient Koreans, who were known to turn everything into a side dish, once had a poppy salad.

The problem was, no matter how I looked at it, the plant in front of me was rice.

“So, Your Excellency is saying that this thing, which looks like rice, has the same effect on humans as smoking opium?”

“Exactly! Ah,” the Sword Marquess added nonchalantly, “but it doesn’t have the addictive properties of opium.”

“Hold on a minute.” I reflexively grabbed the Sword Marquess\'s shoulder.

He looked at me in question. “What’s wrong?”

“You said it’s not addictive? You’re saying this rice-opium isn’t addictive at all?”

“Yes.”

“Your Excellency. If this is truly a plant similar to opium, containing some narcotic substance, consuming it would make people feel very good, correct?”

“Hmm, correct.”

“But the fundamental problem with all narcotics is their addictive nature that leads to dependency. The more you consume, the more you want. Tolerance builds, and eventually, the brain cannot feel any happiness without the drug. Let’s call all these side effects \'addictive properties\' for convenience.”

“Suit yourself.”

“I’ll ask again. This rice-opium has absolutely no ‘addictive properties’?”

“Haah, that’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“......”

In an instant, equations began to form in my mind.

Narcotic - addictive properties - all side effects = ?

“Wait! Then it’s not a narcotic at all!” I declared.

“Huh?” The Sword Marquess tilted his head. “What a strange reaction. Did I ever call it a narcotic? I said it was opium. Opium, the plant those treacherous Europeans brought to ravage China...”

“Please cultivate it! This thing!” I grabbed the Sword Marquess’s other shoulder too, grasping both with my hands. “Go to Gimhae Plain and, while doing the delayed farming work, please cultivate this rice-opium or whatever it is!”

“What nonsense.” The Sword Marquess snorted, “Hah! You should burn and destroy this root of all evil immediately, but I showed it to you out of respect. Now you want me to grow it? Impossible! I will never, under any circumstances, cultivate it!”

“We will spread it to the European imperialists and settle our old grudges.”

“I will cultivate it immediately, Brother.”

A fortnight went and passed, and with unprecedented enthusiasm, the Sword Marquess threw himself into farming, and the rice-opium (ZERO addictive properties) grew rapidly. We then immediately commenced testing.

“Why did you call me, guild leader?”

“Just in case the Sword Marquess was lying about the lack of side effects, I need you to monitor it, Ah-ryeon.”

“Eh... I’m really busy these days. I came because you asked, guild leader...”

“Yes, thank you.”

I largely ignored Sim Ah-ryeon’s words. Ever since she became the Saintess of the North, she liked to flaunt her busy status.

Regardless, various people gathered in the experimental area. Among them was Noh Do-hwa, who had just risen from her sickbed.

“Is it really possible to have opium without side effects? Opium induces pleasure by fundamentally damaging the brain...”

“I don’t know. According to the Sword Marquess, it’s a plant found in the Void. Anything can happen there, so a side-effect-free drug might exist.”

“It sounds like bullshit...”

I agreed.

But if it wasn’t? Then we would need to revise the term "narcotic." It would just be a drug. Possibly even a panacea.

“Alright, everyone, please pay attention.”

Everyone in the experimental area turned to look at me.

“First, we’ll test on five prisoners infected with the ‘Murder Addiction Syndrome’ anomaly. We will test the efficacy of rice-opium in solid, liquid, and gaseous forms.”

“......”

“We will conduct the tests in 1-year, 3-year, 10-year, 20-year, and 50-year intervals to monitor for long-term side effects. Yes, Student Sim Ah-ryeon, why did you raise your hand?”

“Guild leader. Can I try it too...?”

“No, you cannot. Begin the test.”

The prisoners were isolated individually. Each was placed in a dark, enclosed room where they could see nothing but darkness, and they were given bundles of rice-opium.

- Let me out!

- I’m sorry! I’ll never kill innocent people again! Please forgive me!

Bang, bang.

A faint sound of banging on the walls could be heard, barely noticeable to the average ear. In front of each of the five rooms was a red button.

[Press to fast-forward time by one year.]

Pressing the red button would advance time by a year inside the rooms. Press it twice, and two years would pass. Press it two hundred times, and two hundred years would pass. In theory, billions of years could pass.

Of course, the rooms and the buttons were one whole anomaly. Inside these rooms, people could survive without eating or drinking. However, they couldn’t sleep, and without someone outside opening the door, they couldn’t escape.

It was the perfect prison, one of the frequently used anomalies by the National Road Management Corps. With these rooms, we could sentence criminals to 1,000 years and literally keep them imprisoned for 1,000 years.

Since this prison was introduced, the crime rate plummeted. A prison sentence could be scarier than a death sentence.

“Director Noh Do-hwa, please commence the 1-year sentence.”

“Alright...”

Noh Do-hwa pressed the button in front of Room 1. The sound of banging on the walls sped up, becoming a rapid bang, bang, banging, which then quickly fell silent in less than 0.01 seconds.

“One second has passed,” she declared. “Should we release them?”

“Yes, please.”

The National Road Management Corps members approached and opened the door of Room 1.

Usually, prisoners were broken mentally after serving their ‘sentences.’ It was only natural. No one could remain sane after being locked in a dark room for periods ranging from two months to 150,000 years (an actual sentence received by a criminal). Prisoners would typically drool, mumble incoherently, or be completely unresponsive, like a corpse.

This time, however, was different.

“Huh?”

The prisoner from Room 1 looked completely fine. He was munching on the preserved rice-opium grains.

“Has it already been a year?” he asked.

“......”

“Wow, a good thing too. I was so bored, I thought I’d die. Haha, I’m free now, right? I’ll never commit another crime!”

The prisoner from Room 1 smiled broadly. He showed no signs of mental illness or Void poisoning. He looked perfectly healthy.

“Hmm...”

“Hmm.”

Noh Do-hwa and I exchanged glances.

We immediately moved on to the next test. Noh Do-hwa pressed the red button three times, ten times, twenty times, and fifty times for the remaining rooms.

The results:

“Finally free!”

“Thank you, Lord! Thank you so much!”

“I will live a righteous life from now on!”

Amazingly, all the prisoners who served their sentences emerged with “good mental and physical health.” Despite a thorough examination by Sim Ah-ryeon, no side effects were found.

The prisoners had endured their solitary confinement by experiencing happiness from consuming the rice-opium.

“Regressor Undertaker, this is...”

“Yes.” I nodded at Noh Do-hwa. “Let’s cultivate this on a large scale immediately.”

“......”

“From now on, this new plant will no longer be called the insidious name ‘rice-opium.’ It will be known as ‘dopamine.’”

I was invincible.

The Sword Marquess was a god.

Dopamine was the key.

Footnotes:

[1] A battle of the Three Kingdoms period in which several great generals and minds of war were killed.

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