I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

The anomaly that resided here was the Central Intelligence Agency, often referred to simply as "CIA." If one preferred a more dramatic name akin to those from the Fate/Stay Night series, it could be referred to as "The Gun that Pierced the Heart of Dictatorial Power" or "The Priests of Holy Water Resisting Communism."

“This damn primitive country!”

In the distant past, Old Man Scho despised this void the most.

“I’m not a bloodthirsty communist revolutionary, but a social democrat advocating gradual reforms through the parliament! Ultimately, I aim to seize parliamentary power and transition to exclusive party power, not the extreme left! Why do they call me a commie?!”

Old Man Scho had a reason for his fervent ideological proclamations.

- Catch that commie bastard!

- The target is strongly resisting.

- Director, he’s a foreigner. This could turn into a diplomatic issue if mishandled!

- Hey, Kim Yo-won! Just because he has a different hair color doesn’t mean he’s not a commie. So is Stalin a freedom fighter? Catch him when I say so!

Bang, bang, bang!

Gunfire echoed around Old Man Scho.

Indeed.

The "Central Intelligence Agency" goblins that infested Namsan appeared at every opportunity to capture humans with impure ideologies. In fact, these goblins occupied a similar position to goblins in other regions. In many ways, they had characteristics undeniably goblin-like.

A. There were many of them. While walking through the void, it was easy to encounter men whispering, "I’m actually an agent of CIA," or "My relative works in Namsan…."

B. They kidnapped people and dragged them to underground lairs, never to return. The Namsan bunkers constantly echoed with the screams of captives.

C. Underestimating these goblins, thinking, "How strong could a goblin be?" would surely lead to a nasty surprise.

Among the awakeners, no one suffered more from these CIA goblins than Old Man Scho. Whether near Namsan or anywhere else, the goblins would always pop up and fire bullets at him.

“Damn you bastards!”

The German man shouted with a distinctive diction.

If he could have met Seo Gyu, they might have recognized each other as brothers in arms.

“I am! A social democrat who endorses capitalism and liberal democracy!”

What Old Man Scho failed to consider was that in Korea, such nuanced ideological distinctions were often ignored. In this land, even Max Weber’s works had once been labeled as subversive because they were pronounced similarly to Karl Marx’s. A social democrat? Just a slight shade adjustment away from being a red commie.

Moreover, from the perspective of the CIA goblins, "Germany" was a region divided into West and East, much like Korea. To them, Old Man Scho was undoubtedly an East German spy.

Bang!

In one cycle, Old Man Scho indeed died from CIA’s gunfire. It was a death worthy of a Darwin Award. I struggled to wait for the reunion in the next cycle. After barely overcoming suicidal urges and following proper regression procedures, I rushed to find Old Man Scho. He, aware of his shame, kept his hands behind his back. Whenever I approached to look at his face, he skillfully avoided me, maintaining his "hands behind the back" pose.

The first words he uttered were:

“Embalmer, how could such a primitive country exist?”

As expected.

Though Old Man Scho often shouted at me to stop being racist, his subconscious harbored the condescending ego of a European imperialist. I knew this would happen.

“I bet in your homeland, Nazi goblins dance hand in hand with Gestapo.”

“Send me back home immediately! I’ll show you what it means to settle this!”

“Well, if you’re interested in witnessing World War I and II unfold alternately in the great void, I won’t stop you.”

“Why is humanity so primitive?!”

It was a typical line of a revolutionary turning into a dictator.

“They don’t capture bald men. Why not shave your head while you’re at it?”

“Shut up! No one touches my hair!”

In any case, the Namsan void was long familiar to me. I had accompanied Old Man Scho when he ground his teeth and purged the area. From then, I had been drafting strategies.

Above all, since the Saintess's residence was in Yongsan, I had to prepare meticulously to ensure the safety of my key companion.

Of course, the Saintess had no political leanings. Such collective thinking couldn’t be imposed on her. However, understanding the concept of a hikikomori, the CIA agents, who lived from the 1960s to the 1980s, had a classical mindset.

To them, a suspicious person who stayed home all the time, obsessively using external communication networks (=the internet), with no proper job, screamed "spy."

[Last week, while taking a walk, I was reading Kant. Suddenly, a humanoid anomaly approached and asked me what book I was reading.]

One time, the Saintess had voiced her grievance in a slightly angered tone.

[Thinking it was a communicative type of anomaly, I answered, "Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason."]

[Then it accused me of reading subversive literature.]

[Naturally, I refuted.]

[Marxism originates from a materialist interpretation of Hegel’s philosophy, and Hegel and Kant remain opposing philosophical schools even today. I even support Schopenhauer, who is famously known to detest Hegel. How could I possibly endorse Marxism?]

[But the CIA agent couldn’t understand my explanation at all.]

[It was an incredibly primitive anomaly.]

“Hmm…”

Even if it weren’t an anomaly, that explanation would be hard to grasp. In any case, the Saintess had nearly been dragged away by the Namsan goblins multiple times. If not for her extraordinary abilities, she might have been kidnapped.

In fact, quite a few awakeners and civilians had fallen prey to this anomaly. It was only natural for me to write and register a strategy guide on SG Net for the sake of everyone.

- Hey, you there! You look suspicious. Show me what you’re carrying.

“I am an American citizen.”

- What?

An American passport!

After numerous experiments, I had found the most straightforward and cost-effective solution. No matter how eager the Namsan goblins were to kidnap people, they calmed down like officials witnessing a diplomatic passport when shown an American passport.

- Oh, sorry, sir. We’re just intensifying inspections due to recent incidents.

“Wow. Korea is still on the front lines against communists. Very interesting.”

- Yes, yes. Have a safe trip!

The goblins, who fiercely accused Old Man Scho of being a commie, suddenly became courteous gentlemen. This marked the moment when a forged American passport became a must-have for all Koreans. Now, when Namsan goblins appeared, people barely flinched. They just showed their passports and mumbled some broken English, and the goblins disappeared.

However, this strategy was only a way to pass by the Namsan goblins safely. To eliminate the Namsan goblins entirely, a "heavier item" was needed.

- Stop!

Like the one I was carrying as I walked towards Namsan.

- Who are you? Where did you come from?

- Take off your hat! This guy looks suspicious.

- Do you know where you are? Hey, punk! Look up!

I was just passing by the main gate, yet the hysterical reactions erupted. From their perspective, it was natural. They were professional enough not to shoot immediately. I was wearing a flat cap pulled low, making me appear very suspicious to them.

- Move and we’ll shoot!

- Raise your hands! I said, raise your hands, bastard!

Click. The goblins pointed their guns at me. I calmly raised my hands. And just as the goblins sighed in relief― I took off my flat cap.

- Gasp…?

My head shone brightly.

Yes. This event occurred in the 592nd cycle. The curse left by the Monkey’s Paw, wringing out its last bit of power, extended into the 592nd cycle.

Acute hair loss had ravaged my head, leaving no trace of the hair that had once roamed the jungle, screeching, "Ukikik!" Seeing my brilliant scalp, the goblins muttered.

- Leader?

I lowered my voice with authority.

“Troops, at ease.”

- …!

The Namsan goblins hastily put down their guns and saluted. I looked at them with disdain.

Drip.

Sweat trickled down the side of their heads.

“Good job.”

- Yes, sir!

The goblins shouted fervently, thankful for being spared. This was the true strategy. If I were bald and carrying exactly 290,000 won in cash, I could freely wander the Namsan void. It seemed simple, but it required a combination of rare coincidences.

First, it was rare for someone to carry 290,000 won in cash after the collapse of civilization. The fact that it happened to be me, who was also bald and near the Namsan void, was even rarer. It was an extremely unlikely scenario!

After multiple confirmations, I found that only Noh Do-hwa and I could activate this strategy. It seemed to require a person tacitly recognized as "the ruler of the Korean Peninsula."

I leisurely strolled deeper into the void. No one could stop me.

[So, Mr. Undertaker, you’ve deliberately carried exactly 290,000 won in cash to Namsan before?]

“Indeed.”

[Why on earth?]

“Saintess, after regressing 590 times, one develops a habit of trying many things.”

[What on earth?]

True to her philosophical nature, the Saintess pursued endless inquiry. But the real task was to change the world, so I moved forward like the horn of a rhinoceros.

- Leader!

- Leader!

“Good job.”

Goblins popped out throughout the void, but each time they saw my beautiful scalp, they pledged allegiance. Now, only the final boss of this place, the “Central Intelligence Agency Director,” remained before me.

This Director was a formidable anomaly. Even for me, taking a standard approach would not be easy. Moreover, the Namsan void encompassed CIA, and the Anti-Communist Interrogation Office. Naturally, their boss, the Director, wielded powers far beyond those in history.

But it didn’t matter.

- Kraaah! You, you bastard!

Sizzle.

The Director melted like meat in a pot of stew at the sight of my bald head. Like how African sand was Hannibal’s poison and Russian snow was Napoleon’s, a bald head was the Director’s kryptonite.

A classic example of how crucial attributes were for anomalies. In the end-times, even being bald had its perks.

[The Namsan void fell so easily…]

“Knowledge is power these days, Saintess.”

In the remnants of the melted Director, the item I had been seeking throughout this episode appeared. I bent down and picked up "the gun."

The strongest treasure on the Korean Peninsula.

The German-made Walther PPK pistol.

“Ah…”

The cool, heavy sensation.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“Good. Although I’ve defeated this anomaly before, I never paid attention to the gun. Getting bewitched by Chekhov’s Gun would have been problematic.”

[……]

“But now, it’s time to put it to use.”

You’ve waited long enough.

Finally, all the conditions were met.

Since the 135th cycle, when the world was destroyed by the "Logout Game," I had never stopped contemplating how to kill the deity.

The <Zero Requiem> project to awaken Sim Ah-ryeon’s abilities.

The method of utilizing the Total Luck Law, discovered through risky experiments.

And finally, the German-made Walther PPK pistol I could obtain here.

Every step had been part of my strategy to eliminate the Outer God.

Thus, today, there will be no epilogue.

Comrades, from now on, we shall kill a god.

Footnotes:

Join our discord at https://dsc.gg/wetried