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‘I heard from Sina that I am your first love’

Azief was surprised at this sudden sentence but he nodded. Sofia wipes the tears that is dripping down from her eye using her sleeve and she said

‘Are you sure that you love me?’ she said. Azief frowned and shakes his head, his eyes seem to shake’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

Sofia did not stop and she said

‘Or do you have feeling for me because I am the girl that got away? And you think that by having me, you would feel that you accomplished something?’

These hurtful words come out of her mouth even without her meaning it.

For some reason, there is anger, confusion, hesitation in her heart and what comes out from these feelings is these words.

Words that are used to hurt. But once it is spoken, you could not take it back

‘A lingering feeling that you could not forget. Is that why?’ she asks. Azief did not immediately answer. The words do hurt him but he knows that he could not lash out right now

He needs to be calm. Because he knows that if he falls to this and started speaking without thinking, then he might say something he regrets.

He knows that speaking in anger is not good. So, he tries to calm himself down and he listen to the question and then after a few second, he nodded

‘In a way, yes’

Sofia expected it but Azief was not finished

‘The memory lingers because the memory is beautiful. And because it is beautiful, I could not help but attracted to it. Like a thirsty man in the desert attracted to the oasis ‘Then he chuckles a bit and then he said

‘You know, when the Fall first happens, I met a guy named Tan. He was my partner for a while.’ He went silence for a second. The memory of that moment is still there. It is still lodged deep in his memories but time unusually dulls all pain

But the lesson he learned from that still lingers like a scent that could not be erased.

then he continues

‘You see before he died, he wanted to see the picture of the woman he loved. His face at that time full of pain and regret. Because he knows he would never see her again. I try to search for her but I never found her. Maybe, she too had died in the Fall. Or maybe her face had changed. Maybe, she had died long before Tan had ever died. I promise myself that I would do whatever it takes to survive. That I would be cold if it’s necessary. Everything is a tool. That is what I decided. Why?’

‘Because creating connection and losing that connection made me weak. Made me feel pain. And so, I try to avoid it’ He shakes his head and then said

‘And then…. I met you, in an abandoned mall. You could not have guess the shock that I felt in my heart. Before that moment, I have long forgotten you. You are my first love that is true. But years had passed by then. Life happens and before that moment I do not even remember you’

He chuckles a bit and then said

‘But that’s the thing about first love. It is never truly gone. That day I saw you and slowly I remember back all those feelings of my juvenile year. I try to be cold and try to be the dude that would do anything for survival.’

‘But did you remember what I did? I gave you things, points, help you and even risk my life for you fighting that crocodile. Damn, it does seem that I break my own character. It was like I was back in high school and wanting you to notice me. It was like those years that passed had not happen at all’

Sofia listens as Azief continues

‘You said that I love you because you were my first love. You were not entirely correct. I was attracted to you because you were part of my happy memory. And the painful ones too. I love that memory and I love that memory of you. And I also love the woman that is in front of me now, scars and all’

He sighed and then he said

‘We did not talk much when we were in school together. But that feeling of butterflies, knowing that as messed up as I am, that I could love someone who did not know that I even exist, that feeling is beautiful’

Sofia shakes her head and said

‘I do notice you’

Azief nodded

‘But, I do not know that at the time. I am a man with many flaws. When I try to be confident, it backfires on me. But when I become timid, nothing changes. Nothing ever seem right’

‘With you, together, yes, I did admit that I felt affection for you because you were my first love. But, that is not the reason I fell in love with you again. That is not it at all. And I would not let you distort this’

Azief come closer to her, so close that she could feel his breath on him and his hand moves to her cheek. She did not stop him. And slowly Azief hold her cheeks and wipes her tears with his finger.

‘I am not that kid in high school. That is in the past. I am here now and I fall in love you all over again. I don’t know if this is fate or destiny or simply a set of coincidences’

‘But if you want me to say that my feeling is not entirely affected by my old feelings then I could not give you that. Because you were once beautiful in my heart, and so when we meet again, you were still beautiful in my heart even when you were a mess. As for the answer you want, I don’t know. I could not separate the girl that I love in high school and the woman that I know now. Love is not so easily separated and analyzed like that’

Sofia did not know what to say as she looks at him.

Azief lean in closer, his lips coming closer to her lips. She could stop it but she did not. Azief kiss her gently and for a few second they stay like that, feeling like it could be the last time.

Azief understood it the moment she rejected the rings. She is finding excuses to end it. And he knew why.

Because they talked about this before

And because of that he did not want to stop kissing her.

He wanted time to stop, right at this moment, this perfect moment, when he kisses her and everything felt right in the world

And she too wanted it, yet at the same time knowing that it could not work. She fears pain. And he fears losing her.

That is the thing about them. She fears pains more than losing him. And he …. he fears closing her more than the pain that might come along the road.

It is not like Azief don’t know that trying to keep her with him would give them each other pain. But he felt that if they could overcome it, overcome all of it…. together, then maybe, along the journey, they would find a way to make it work

But he could not blame her. He is the least qualified person to blame her. Her pain is because of him. How selfish would he be to keep holding on to her?

In romance novels, drama stories, the boyfriend would let go of the girl, trying not to be selfish. It is a good story

But that is just that. A story. Real life is not that simple

Love is selfish. And only those who were selfish enough to fight for love would win it. And Azief is a selfish person in love.

He did not want to let her go. But he could not force her either. There is a difference between this selfishness and other kind of selfishness.

It is not the selfishness of oneself for the sake of oneself but a selfishness to dare ask the world all that is good and kind.

And it is only when you are in love the way he is now, that he knows he could not be selfish with her

And as they kissed each other, time stopped.

The wind stopped. The leaves falling from the tree halted in midair. The flapping of the overstretched tent flaps also halted.

This time phenomenon only happens in the radius of ten meters around him

He wished for time to stop and his feeling is manifested to the real world

But, he knew he could not stay there forever and then he breaks the kiss.

Sofia look at his eyes, that dazzling eyes that seems to know and see her no other person could and by God, she is tempted to let it all go.

So, she come closer to him and kiss him.

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