金瓶梅第2部

"Eh heh he he... what... do we... have here?"

Garret peered over the railing, "Sea God's socks, there's two of 'em now."

Hai put down his spyglass and waved to the Marines on deck. 

"Look alive, you lot!" he shouted, "Oversized Eel Princess headin' this way!"

"Ohf*ck, ohf*ck, ohf*ck!" Garret shouted as he sprinted off. 

Every Marine on deck moved with a purpose, grabbing weapons, posting up, or finding cover. 

--but... damn, that girl moved fast. 

The big blue b*tch snaked her way aboard Sailing Ship Elizabeth Dare.

--whereupon she immediately snatched up Sergeant Garret and... in a swift and smooth motion, lifted her head up, dropping the poor bastard down her f*cking gullet. 

AND!!!!!

AAAAANNNNDDDDD! she! BROKE! the F*CKING! railing! 

Of f*cking COURSE, she'd break the f*cking railing!! 

Why *wouldn't* Iyuri board the ship in a place where the railing was al-READY broken be-FORE-hand?!

The shooting began, filling the air with the sweet scent of Orcish Sugar. 

"You CRAZY B*TCH!!" Hai shouted, throwing his spyglass at the second-dumbest sea creature in the Realm, "Stop. BREAKING. MY. SHIP!!!!"

WHY did she even need to board, at all?!?!

Oh, son of a-- that spyglass was F*CKING EXPENSIVE!! 

Hai fell to his knees, slamming his arms on the deck. Because of Iyuri, his one and only f*cking spyglass was broken and unusable... 

It would have made him feel a little better if she at least died. 

However, concentrated gunfire didn't do shite. That infuriating Princess didn't even flinch. 

"Ehe~ that tickles."

"Cease-F*CKING-fire!" Hai cried, "We can't afford to waste ammo, you idiots!!"

There wasn't any money in the budget for more ammo. 

...or another spyglass. 

The Sea Wolf fleet couldn't even afford gods-damned forks and spoons. 

"Hi, Mister Hai!" Iyuri said, bowing her head. "I ate your friend."

"That's CAPTAIN Hai, ya fat f*ckin' Sea Worm!!" 

"Huh?" Iyuri tilted her head, "Captain hello?"

"His name is High-Captain Langhai," a deep voice interrupted. "Be polite, Princess."

Well... that was a voice Hai hadn't heard in too damned long. 

He shot up immediately and spun around on his heel. 

And Hai took in the sight of his favorite green-haired f*cktard: 

Marine Lieutenant Tycondrius Charm. 

Leader of legendary guild Sol Invictus. 

Commander of the Wyrmslayer Alliance. 

He was also a land-holding Baron-- with servants and everything. 

--and so gods-damned rich and arrogant, he might as well have been a Duke. 

--"Son of a scrag, it's motherF*CK-ing Tycon!"

--"Lieutenant! Welcome back!"

--"What the *hells* is he wearing?"

Hai shook his head. 

That guy had left a deep impression on both him and his crew. 

He was strong. And he had a magic about him that could whip a force of three hundred Sea Wolves into something more like three thousand. 

Captain Lang Hai was still stronger, of course. 

But... considering Tycon's Commander billet, the fact that he was made of gold coins, and that his own crew got along with him better than their own f*cking Captain-- Hai needed to hold onto at least that. 

Tycon looked the same as when he last saw him. 

Haircut? Fresh. 

Face? Clean-shaven. The guy could pass for a girl if it wasn't for his voice. 

Arms? Sword on his hip-- Tyrion-make. 

U...niform?

"Lieutenant, are you wearing a f*cking dress?"

"Ah?" Tycon looked down at his short, white, one-piece dress, "This is traditional Tyrion attire."

"Let me guess," Hai sneered, "Your mother made it for you?"

"Hand-spun by my personal servant, actually," Tycon corrected. 

Bleighhh. 

Rich, handsome bastard... 

Hai turned in time to see, hear, (and almost f*cking taste) that idiot, Garret puked onto the deck. 

"That's no good, Yu-Yu," chided a baby-faced blonde woman. "We need Mister Garret to swab the poop closet."

Yeah. And that he'd do for allowing himself to get eaten. 

Dumbass. 

Rico was holding the massive Sea Serpent's jaws open. The size difference made her look absolutely ridiculous-- like a baby casually manhandling a Whitesaber Tuna. 

But even in her human form, she didn't lose out in strength in the fleet to anyone except maybe him.

--definitely him.

Hai was strong as f*ck.

"You should've let him die," he grumbled. 

Rico let go of Iyuri's mouth and it snapped shut with enough force to break a ship in half. 

"Ehe~ my boyfriend scolded me," she said with a grin. 

"Boyfriend?" 

Tycon stepped forward, standing at his side, "an interesting development."

"Well-- yeah, long story, Tycon," Hai sighed. "So since when could you turn into a Water Worm?"

The man was a snake-- a literal snake. But he was the only snake in the entire f*cking Realm he trusted to be a gods-damned professional at any given moment. 

The green-haired nerd chuckled at that. 

"With respect, Captain, that... is also a long story."

Hai lowered his tricorne hat. 

...The class and charm the scoundrel exuded pissed him off to no end. 

But still...

It was good to see him. 

He offered his hand, which Tycon immediately clasped at the wrist. 

"Welcome back aboard the Elizabeth Dare," Hai nodded. "Blood and f*ckin' thunder."

"Victory at sea," Tycon replied. "It's good to be back amongst the Beaurte[1] Marines. How goes the fight, Brother-Hai?"

"Ah, the fight goes pretty--"

"Mister TYCON!!!" 

Hai was interrupted by Rico's sudden shout-- and a mad sprint across the deck. 

Tycon was a pretty smart guy, so he took a step back and reached for his sword. 

"Good morning, Rico."

Thankfully, Rico stopped herself from tackling the dress-wearing nerd to the deck. 

--which was good, because a sword wasn't enough to stop her. 

"Oh. I want to hug you, but Little Boss doesn't like when I hug random guys-- I dunno why."

"Jealousy, I'd imagine," Tycon replied before turning back at him. "PFC Rico, learning. Fascinating."

"It's... actually Corporal Rico, now," Hai sighed. "Don't ask me how."

"This Realm is doomed," Tycon said with a wry smile. 

"My thoughts, exactly."

Hai took a breath before addressing the worst troublemaker in the fleet. 

"This-- this isn't some random guy, Rico," he scolded. "And. his. title. is Commander!"

"So can I hug him?" Rico asked with shining eyes, "I'm gonna hug him."

""No,"" he and Tycon said at the same time. 

A round of gasps came from the crew, all around. 

Hai barely had the time to turn before a strange blue woman sailed over his head, crashing into Tycon.

"You can't hug Mister Tycon, Ri-Ri! He's mine!" 

Eh? 

Tycon was trying and failing to hold back a woman Hai had never seen before. Her hair was put up into twin-ponytails, black with ribbon streaks of sea-blue. And her flowing clothes-- she had on an expensive-looking robe, like something a slavelord would wear to show off. 

Hai clenched his fists and took in a deep breath.

Seven hells! Lieutenant Eilean, Rico-- why did women even like that guy??!

Wait-- did Admiral Chantal like him too? 

No, way! Chantal wasn't a *real* woman-- she was a heartless monster wearing giant boobs! 

And Tycon was REALLY just--

Eh?

Hai raised his head and sniffed at the misty air. 

The new girl... she smelled just like--

"This is-- *highly* inappropriate, Iyuri!" Tycon growled, pushing the woman away by the forehead. 

A wave of whispers and mumbling washed over the crew. 

--"Wait, that's Iyuri? She can transform?!!??"

Why was *that* a surprise? Half the crew could transform! That was one of the milestones of training the ⌈Sea Wolf Body Art⌋.

--"Look at the badonkadonks on her!!"

Yeah! What the hells was with that?? 

Iyuri had even bigger boobs than the Fleet Admiral!! 

N-not that he was interested in boobs. 

--"I want her to swallow me next."

Lang Hai narrowed his eyes. 

He drew his pistol, turned, and shot that one. 

Huh? It was Loretta. 

Had she joined the other team? 

But that was unimportant-- Hai was talking to Tycon about something... 

Oh, right-- the nerd wanted a sit-rep.[2] 

Turning back, Hai found Tycon staring at the dark sky, looking absolutely miserable. 

On his right, Iyuri had her arms slung around his neck, rubbing her face onto the guy's shoulder. 

And on his left, Hai's. f*cking. GIRLFRIEND had one leg wrapped around his waist, squeezing his arm, which was nestled in between--

Hai put his first gun away, drew his second and shot Rico in the side of the head. 

She dropped to the deck like a sack of stolen eating utensils. 

"My thanks, Brother-Captain," Tycon nodded. 

With one arm free, he was able to swing his other arm, tossing Iyuri off the side of the ship. 

The high-pitched scream and the following ker-splunk were probably the most satisfying things Hai had ever heard. 

Hm. 

Tycon... 

That guy got stronger. 

Made sense. That kind of guy wouldn't get weaker over time. 

Hai furrowed his brows, wondering if he could toss away a Sea Serpent away just as easily in his human form. 

--but even if he couldn't, Hai would definitely be stronger if he assumed his final form! 

"I can't help but wonder if such a violent measure was necessary," Tycon remarked. 

It was... but Hai somehow felt that if he admitted that, he would be losing as a man.

But, anyroad-- 

"Oh, no," Hai groaned. "Lieutenant! There's blood on your clothes. I gUeSs you have to go change~"

"In the future," Tycon shook his head, "Perhaps it would be best to keep Rico's brain matter inside her skull rather than on my tunic?"

Suddenly, Rico twisted her body to lie on her side. 

"OwwWww!" She cried, "Ergh. I fell on my pinky!"

"She's fine" Hai grinned, "Just as stupid as when we found her. Now, get in uniform, you. That's an order."

Tycon tilted his head, grinning slyly, "An order, you say? Captain Lang, you are aware that I currently outrank you, yes?"

"Hah," Hai laughed, sticking out his chin. "Not on my ship, Invictus."

[1] Beaurte: Beaurte is a territory in the northern part of Alizeau.

[2] Sit-rep: Situation Report.