BXBX NOVEL Chapter 43
It was true that no one was concerned about the Drunken Countess. To them, I wasn’t just a Drunken Countess, I was also a lunatic who screamed in the mansion occasionally. Because it hadn’t been a few months for them, it had been just one day. The same day on repeat.
“Ha Ha ha! Ahaha!” I laughed hysterically. Tears flowed from my eyes, but I laughed. I laughed and I cried, and I pointed at the sky that had not changed from the crescent moon for months. And just like that I lost my mind.
* * *
When I woke up, the memory that popped into my head was hell. It was the same morning with the same scenery but today was peaceful. People greeted me today, again. Acrab was peaceful. The room was the same but the bottle of wine that rolled on the floor seemed unfamiliar. Everything today seemed unfamiliar.
“No, no, no!” I grabbed my head and screamed. I don’t know how much time has passed. The memory, which I thought was a blessing, made me think of the memories of the period when I had lost my mind. How many nights has it been? How crazy did I go? What the hell did I do? I felt awful.
My shaking hands were not the tremors caused by abstaining from alcohol. Not today. A chill crept through my body, and I started to scratch my arms. Blood appeared on my skin, but it didn’t hurt. My trembling hands were soaked in blood. I ran out of the mansion shouting that my memories were not true.
Clear sky without a single cloud. I could see people smiling and spending their day no differently than usual. People were the same as usual. The day was the same. But they didn’t look the same to my eyes.
I knelt down and sobbed. I felt the eyes of the people on me. They must think I was intoxicated this early in the morning.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…,” I mumbled and screamed. No matter how much I apologized, my memories wouldn’t go away. It was true. I killed them. I killed them countless times. They were always fine the next day. The same day would repeat again. But I wasn’t fine.
Teras streamed down my cheeks. I had lost my mind and now I was here. It was so hard to endure it. Why did I do such things? Has a devil possessed my heart? Did it want to treat them like that? I didn’t want to believe it. Because I knew I was the one who did it.
I knew it and I felt it. I trembled. People around me whispered in worry. It was like they couldn’t ignore my pain. Did I even deserve them? I wrapped my arms around myself. My arms and my hands were dripping blood.
Perhaps they thought it was not a common drunk behavior. Their murmurs grew around me. Dalia… Dalia… Dalia…. You don’t deserve to look at them.
I heard a scream. The tears were no longer falling from my eyes. It was blood. I had gouged out my eyes. A relief spread through my heart. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t need to see the same scenery, the same people again. Everything turned into darkness.
I thought I was going to pass out because of the pain. I heard myself scream. But it would be okay. They had suffered more than me. They had suffered by my hands. Even if they don’t remember, I do. I know everything and I can never forget.
It wasn’t a sin I could erase by gouging out my eyes. As long as my memory remained, I would always drown in shame and guilt. After that day, I didn’t lose my mind again.
After possessing Dalia’s body, I spent thirty dull years. The other ten being out of my mind. For the next sixty, I was weighed down by my own guilt where I longed for Kaichen to come and put an end to this since I myself was unable to. I had tried everything.
I also got into the habit of gouging my eyes out. To remind myself of the terrible things I had done. This was my punishment, inflicted upon myself by my own volition. But every time my body would get better, and I would have my eyes back the next day. I lived in this madness for ten years, trying to kill myself again and over again.
After countless death and madness, my mind became devastated, but my body was the same, frozen in the same day. I finally realized that gouging out my eyes was helping nobody. It wasn’t even able to abate my guilt even a little. The pain and the guilt were the most brutal punishment for me, and I had to live with it. I will not forget.
* * *
I had barely fallen asleep when the nightmares were presented. I felt weak and tired. I hadn’t forgotten the memories of my time at Acrab. I am, however, trying not to think about them as much as possible because there is nothing I can do about it. There is nothing good for me to remember except the pain and the guilt.
I frowned. My pajamas were soaked in a cold sweat. Maybe I can take a warm bath to calm myself, I thought. I was really lucky that I had a bathtub. I took off my clothes and sighed.
When I grabbed the handle to open the bathroom door attached to the room, I heard the sound of the room door opening. When I turned my head in surprise, I could see Kaichen frozen at the door. Sh!t! I am doomed! I let go of the bathroom door handle and covered my chest.